- My running tights had a nice long string hanging from the "crotchal" region where apparently the seam is coming undone. Boo. But it made me laugh because I had a "string wiener." Hee hee.
Me: 1, Run: 1 - It was cold and dark so I dressed all in black (ninja running bandit style!) in my lightweight REI jacket with wicked reflectors, black ear warmers from the dollar store (holla!) and my Christmas present North Face gloves (aka really expensive running hankies). Except I wore my super bright neon yellow Nike Lunars!
Me: 2, Run: 1 - While trying to locate a satellite, Gus decided that he didn't like me not taking him out yesterday and wanted to say I'm low on juice with a pronounced "beeeep." Great...we'll see how long he lasts.
Me: 2, Run: 2 - Feeling good starting out! Got a decent stride going...oh wait...wheez...forgot to take a puff on the inhaler before I left.
Me: 2, Run: 3 - Getting a little foggy out, making my eyes water a little. Spotted a really loud, scary "rapist" van on the main street. And it comes back around and passes me again 5 minutes later. Okay, I'm done with that road for the night.
Me: 2, Run: 4 - Hey, Gus should have beeped the one mile mark a while back. I look down to a blank screen. Crappity crap. Instead I check the current time on the iPhone...7:20...I'll keep that in mind.
Me: 2, Run: 5 - Is that a plastic bag of dog poo on the sidewalk? Wait, no. It's MULTIPLE plastic bags of dog poo. Wow. All in a "neat little pile" on the sidewalk. That's one step to cleaning up after your dog but WTH??? I'm tempted to stake out the scene later this week, identify the culprit, then take all of the dog poo bags and leave them on his/her front door. How ya like dem apples?
Me: 2, Run: 6, Stupid dog-owner: -6 - Alright, there's a streetlamp out up ahead, not my favorite part of the run either. Impromptu FARTLEK!
Me: 2, Run: 7 - Got straight up branch slapped in the face by a tree that I normally run by without fail. (Tree: "Not this time, sucka.")
Me: 2, Run: 8, Tree: +9 - Someone's home cooking smells like dirty feet and wet dog. Ugh. Hot wet dog. Is that possible?
Me: 2, Run: 9 - Annnnnnd, I trip stepping up to the sidewalk. Contemplating running in the snowboarding helmet I got for Christmas from Trav...
Me: 2, Run: 10 - Another streetlamp is out? Am I in a scary movie or something? Should I be looking behind me for a dude in a hockey mask or sporting some fangs?
Me: 2, Run: 11 - Now THIS one is the kicker. I'm running up to the normal turn-around point and guess what cruises past me in all its chrome/black glory and screeches to a halt at the stop sign???? A *#%@$ nekkid semi!! Ah gawd. Impromptu fartlek number two.
Me: 2, Run: 12 - As I'm fartlek-ing away from the chrome monster something runs right in front of me from the bushes and across the street. A giant raccoon. Fartleks + near heart-attack from night dwelling creature = wheeeeeeezy me.
Me: 2, Run: 13 - Oooo, my favorite song plays! Score!
Me: 3, Run: 13 - Back at home, out of breath, I realize that my left foot was "kissed" by my shoes a little too much and left a nice red mark. Thanks Lunars. This matches perfectly with the black toenail I received from the New Balances...
Final Score:
Me: 3, Run: 14
Nothing like an adventure.
And perhaps a post-run beer and epsom salt soak.
Tomorrow will be better!
Yikes! Those crazy scary rape vans seriously freak me out!! I am to freaked out to run while it's dark out still. You've got balls! You especially have balls to want to run again after that run! :)
ReplyDeleteI am up way too late tending to a sick dog (no fun), but then I read your blog and busted out laughing at "string wiener" and "straight up branch slapped"!
ReplyDeleteI don't know how I am going to slip that into my everyday conversation, but I'm stealing it! HAHAHA!
Ha ha ha - branch slapped. That is hilarious!
ReplyDeleteStreet lamps always go out when I run by - I must be radioactive or something.
ReplyDeleteThat run is exactly why I hate to run alone.
ReplyDeleteSuper cute post! You always make me laugh!
Welcome to tomorrow! Now go kick some arse!
ReplyDeleteohh if rapist vans are those 16-passenger style vans without windows... i hate them too! so sketchy.
ReplyDeletetoo funny that the nekkid semi showed up too. guess the stars were aligned for you...
Wow that is one intense run!! Glad you survived!!! :D
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like something I would do. Add a few more trips, branch slaps and panicking about grass moving to your left (and finding out it was YOU moving the grass).
ReplyDeleteOh jeez, comedy of errors is right! It certainly was an eventful run and even if it didn't go smoothly, I'm sure the 'adventures' made for some good distraction.
ReplyDeleteYou have a great sense of humor!
This is hilarious. A couple of things..
ReplyDeletea) I soon as I read "string" and "crotchal region", I immediately cringed. Thank god you didn't go there.
b) if it's dark out, you're by yourself and there are rapist vans around, WHAT ARE YOU DOING RUNNING WITH AN iPOD??
-and-
c) pretty sure you had that branch slap coming
Oh yes. I know the smell of hot wet dog.
ReplyDeleteWow...I'm glad you remembered all of this to entertain us :) lol
ReplyDeleteHow on earth are those nekkid semis finding you???? This is insane!
ReplyDeleteAlso, there's totally a rapist van in my neighborhood and I swear the owner of it moves it every morning around 6AM so if I'm out doing an AM run I always get freaked out that he's like stalking me. In reality, I think he's just moving it to avoid the garbage truck or something and but it always catches me off gaurd and then I run a totally different route. You'd think I'd have this figured out by now, but, you'd be wrong.
This is hilarious. I know exactly how you feel about being scared while night running...I am a TOTAL scaredie cat. I think someones trying to get me if I'm home alone!
ReplyDeleteHa ha! Hilarious post!
ReplyDeleteSo you learned Gus's dark secret. I think all of us with Gus's brothers and sisters have experienced the same in the past.
I think you need to slap that LARunr dude around a little (classic Billy!).
I can't do night time runs. EVERYTHING would scare the bejesus out of me and I would be panicky the entire time. But thanks for entertaining us with your mishaps. :)
ReplyDeleteI am a daylight runner in a well-populated area, and this post is why! Rapist vans, raccoons, naked semis...shoot, I wouldn't even have to run to get my heart rate up! But I have to say that this: "(Tree: "Not this time, sucka.")" cracked me right up. You are funny, Zoe!
ReplyDeleteTreadmill for gawds sake... Suck it up girl and run on a treadmill once in a while...
ReplyDeleteString wiener ha ha ha. Too funny. I'm so immature.
ReplyDeleteHahaha. You poor thing. I'd have gone home after the first one.
ReplyDeleteOK reading this gave me ANXIETY!! Don't want my little running buddy to be scared in the dark or plowed over by a nekkid semi.. Way to push through.
ReplyDeleteBut the random runs make the best blog posts! Glad you made it home safe and in one piece but thanks for sharing the randomness with us! :)
ReplyDeleteHilarious post! Cracking me up. Hope it's better next time.
ReplyDeleteyour hilarious!!! String weiner? bahahhahaha!! Stay clear of scary vans! Anytime i encounter one i memorize the license plate, grip my phone and my keys and get ready to kick some butt. Generally, well every time ive been fine, but that one time i let my guard down, BAM! i'll be attacked!!!
ReplyDeleteBut look at the great story you got from your adventurous run! Unfortunately, it can be a little unsettling to run at night, especially when you are a girl!
ReplyDeleteI was laughing so hard at this! Sooo been there. :) (Personally, my favorite was the tree.)
ReplyDeleteI can only relate to a few things you mentioned, and I'm sorry you had such a stressful run...but that was HILARIOUS! Thanks for the laugh (and here's hoping for a better run next time).
ReplyDeleteVery cool post of what is going on inside of Zoe's head whilst she runs. You had me at "string wiener." I was laughing my butt off. And the dog pooo? You should definitely stalk and give them their present back. As far as the run itself, you certainly gave it a personality that won you over. I hope you have a more pleasant time next time. And........I want to see part 2. Take care.
ReplyDeleteYikes, that's a pretty lop-sided score! laughed at branch slapped too! Umm, glad you made it home safe and sound, you're one brave girl!!
ReplyDeleteI do love that format.
ReplyDeleteHa! i think you just like to type fartlek.
ReplyDeleteWhat a crazy run! I have only had a few that even come close to this one! Thank goodness!
I personally would love to see you running in the board helmet with a string wiener blowing in the wind AND karate chopping a tree-ninja style of course!
bwahahah this was awesome! I am sorry, but you made me laugh out loud to which everyone in the room looked at me like I was nutso...
ReplyDeleteand why can't people pick their dog poop up? It's not that complicated!
I lol'd! that post is a lots of laughs! esp. the string wiener! :))
ReplyDeleteLove it!
ReplyDeleteAnd as for the dog poo -- can't answer for the neat pile of it, but I will say that I pick up my dog's poo in a baggie and sometimes leave it for my roundtrip just cuz I really can't stand carrying around dog poo for an hour, and he inevitable poos about five minutes from home every time.